Finding Freedom in No

I have trouble saying "No" to anyone.

Even when I want to say no, I say it in a way that people understand it as a yes.

"I'll think about that."

"That sounds like a good idea, I'll see."

"I'll get back to you."

Granted, those are very weak ways to say no, but that's just me. This causes endless days of anguish for me as I try to work my way out of an invitation or a request and it drains me of positive energy.

My partner Frank takes a different approach. He simply says "NO!" and then goes on with what he's doing - or not doing!

I must admit that I find it amusing when he says it the way he does - even when it's directed at me - but he looks you directly in the eye and says it with a smile. I know that the response comes from his heart and brings peaceful settlement to him.

Saying no to somebody when we are used to saying yes can be challenging as we fear we will be rejected.

Many of us, from childhood on, are taught that saying yes is right and saying no is wrong. We learn that acceding to demands allows us to avoid conflict and criticism, please people, earn praise, and prove that we care for the important people in our lives. Yet the right to say no is indelibly intertwined with the ability to make choices. 

When we sense we are limited in our options, compelled to say yes even when doing so is not in our interests, we are effectively robbed of our ability to choose. 

Growing out of this tendency to say yes even when we desperately want to say no can be challenging because we suspect that others will reject us for our assertiveness. 

However, the reward we receive upon facing this challenge is true freedom of choice.

When others ask us to take on work or do favors, consider their requests carefully.

If we feel pressed to say yes, we need to consider whether we are acquiescing out of a desire for approval or to stave off disapproval. We need to remind ourselves often that the ability to say no is an important aspect of well-being, as it is an indication that we understand the true value of our energy, talents, and time. 

As we learn to articulate our personal power by saying no, we may feel compelled to explore the myriad consequences of the word by responding negatively to many or most of the requests put to us. The word “no” may even become our default response for some time. 

Once we see that life moves forward without interruption, however, we will grow more comfortable saying no and will resume making decisions from a point of balance.

There is nothing inherently wrong with acceding to the requests others make of us, provided these requests do not infringe upon our health or our happiness. 

It is only when we believe we have the legitimate right to say no that we can say yes with utmost certainty, sincerity, and enthusiasm. 

While saying yes almost always has a cost, we can feel good about offering our agreement when our reasons for doing so are rooted in our individual values and your appreciation for the appeal before us.

With love & light,

Rob

It's A Beautiful Morning !

Before you read this, please view the following youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrwhfhncPfM

The weather has been just beautiful these past days after several weeks of rain as summer reached her end.

There is something about the beauty of a beautiful day that reaches forth from within us and outward toward others.

Frank and I stopped by the supermarket on our way home the other day. I chose to wait in the car, but the morning was so perfect I decided to stand outside and enjoy the clear sky and the fresh air as I waited for him.

A young gentleman returned to his vehicle and began loading a large cart filled with groceries. As he did so, he sang out "It's A Beautiful Morning!", which is a song by The Rascals from 1968.

He continued to load his groceries, perhaps humming the tune to himself. He then changed from his heavy sweatshirt to his t-shirt beneath, and sang out again "It's A Beautiful Morning!" as he proceeded to load more groceries. Once he completed his task at hand, he sang out one more time "It's A Beautiful Morning!" as he raised his arms and looked to the sky.

I could not resist, so I sang out to him "I think I'll go outside for a while!" as I pointed to him.

This was a rather brave act for me to commit toward a muscular young man in a pickup truck, but I had my car keys at hand!

He responded by pointing back at me and singing "and just smile!" before looking up at the sky one more time and heading home, his car filled with sustenace for his household in order for all who enter his home to be able to enjoy the beautiful day which awaited his loved ones, as well as him.

It was interesting to share that experience, and I wonder if he shares this story as well.

We can send love ahead to our day, into our lives, and into the world.

Upon waking, many of us approach our day with trepidation as I did that day as well as many other days recently.

Because of the natural human tendency to focus on what we fear or dislike, it is easy to unwittingly send a message of unease into the future that negatively impacts the quality of our day. However, while our lives are busy and frequently replete with challenges, they are also rich with joy and experiences worth savoring.

This is something I have learned from Frank as he wakes each morning, cheerfully singing, and often dancing, no matter what the day has in store. For Frank, it is always "A Beautiful Morning".

Because of Frank's approach, each of mine is beautiful as well.

We can attract this natural bliss into our lives by starting each day with a message of love and appreciation.

When we send love ahead to our day, that love will manifest itself in our interpersonal interactions, our professional endeavors, and our domestic duties.

Tasks and circumstances which challenge us through our own anxieties can become transformed by our love, and we can find ourselves approaching life’s subtle nuances with great affection.

Each morning, once we have cast off the fog of sleep, we can take several deep, grounding breaths and reaffirm the love we have for ourselves and the beauty which surrounds us.

Speaking or singing a loving blessing aloud enables us to access and awaken the reservoir of tenderness in our souls.

That can simply be done by saying or singing "It's a beautiful morning". This is a prayer of thanksgiving as well as hope for the day ahead.

Before we leave the comfortable warmth of our beds, we might like to tell the universe that we are eager and ready to receive the blessings that have been set aside for us this day. Then as we prepare to embrace the day, we can visualize ourselves first saturated by and then surrounded with a warm and soft loving light.

As we gradually embrace this light, we can then widen this circle of light until we are able to send it ahead into our future and share with others.

If we are commuting to work, we can send love to the roads upon which we will drive, our fellow commuters, and the place will our vehicle will rest and wait for us.

If we have colleagues who arrive at our workplace before us, we can send them love in advance.
For those who arrive after us, we can greet them with warmth and love.

Likewise, a day spent being a home-maker and addressing household chores, one can benefit from the sentiment that precedes us as preparations are tended to in order to provide comfort for our family.

With this approach, we can rest assured that everyone we meet and everything we do ensures us that our day is suffused with grace.

There are times when life can be trying and we may have difficulty sending love to those situations and individuals we deem particularly frustrating. It is then that we need to understand and accept that the warmth and tenderness we project can change our life for the better.

By sending and sharing this love each morning, each afternoon, and each evening, we exercise our power to control the ambiance of our existence and to color our day with positivity.

Wishing you the realization of every beautiful morning,

Rob

Grumpy People & Darkness

Grumpy people can only affect our mood if we allow them to. The sun and stars can still shine in their presence.

When we're in a good mood, we shine like the sun. But if we find ourselves in the presence of a person, or people, in a grumpy mood, it can feel like a dark cloud approaching to dim our radiance and block our positive way of seeing the world. We can remind ourselves that clouds pass, while the sun and stars continue to shine above.

It is then easier to think of these "grumps" affectionately, knowing that they only have the power to affect our mood if we allow it.

With the power of change firmly in our hands, we can choose how to respond to a grumpy person, or a grumbling group of people, with confidence and understanding.

Like a lighthouse, we can continue to shine through the darkness, offering our light to help others find their way back to their own.

We can send them a silent prayer of peace or a sympathetic smile. We may sense that reaching out to offer a comforting touch or hug can ease their frustrations and cause the clouds to dissipate.

If they need understanding, we can sympathize without reinforcing the negativity they may be experiencing by directing their attention someplace more positive.

Helping them find the humor in their situation might be appropriate and is a great way to lift spirits, or a logical approach may help them see all the good in the situation, in their lives and in the world.

We might find that someone we encounter often seems to be in a perpetual state of gloom, rather like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. Our tendency in such cases may be to try to avoid them, but instead we can make the choice to offer support that comes from the heart.

We may be inspired to ask if they would like some help or to offer suggestions that have helped us in the past. We can include thoughts of their health and happiness in our times of prayer and meditation.

When we lend our energy to uplift another in any way, we improve our own lives while making the world a better place for all of us.

Perhaps the grumpy person is our self.

When darkness falls upon us in the evening, we know that the sun is still shining at this very moment somewhere not too far away.

There are times when gloom or darkness causes us to momentarily lose sight of the light. Although it is at these times when the thought of the sun can help us.

Its warm, glowing rays brighten even our thoughts, and it’s good to remember that despite appearances the sun is shining right now.

We may not be able to see it at this very moment, but if clouds block our view, they are only filtering the sun’s light temporarily.

If darkness has fallen, we know that the sun is still shining at this very moment somewhere not too far away, and it’s only a matter of time before it will shine on us again.

When we remember that the sun is still shining, we know that things are still in motion in the universe. Even if life feels like it is at a standstill, sometimes all we need to do is have faith and wait for the time when everything is in its perfect place.

We can also choose to follow the cues of the sun and continue doing our work and shining our light, even when we can’t yet see results.

In doing so we exercise our patience, making sure we are prepared when opportunity knocks and all other elements are in their right and perfect places.

The sun also reminds us that our own shining truth is never extinguished. Our light shines within us at all times, no matter what else occurs around us.

Though the sun gives us daily proof of its existence, sometimes our belief in our own light requires more time. If we think back, however, we can find moments when it showed itself and trust that we will see it again.

Like the sun, our light is the energy that connects us to the movements of the universe and the cycles of life and is present at all times, whether we feel its glow or not.

With love & light,

Rob

P.S. I discovered that Spell Check acknowledges "Eeyore". Perhaps that would cheer him up!

Self Worth

In these very difficult times of unemployment, underemployment, foreclosures, and financial crises, it is not uncommon for us to suffer from a failed perception of our individual self worth.

Our worth is not a product of our intelligence, our talent, our looks, our homes, or how much we have accomplished. Though much of who and what we are changes as we journey through life, our inherent worth remains constant.

While the term self-worth is often used interchangeably with self-esteem, the two qualities are inherently different. Self-esteem is the measure of how we feel about ourselves at a given moment in time.

Our worth, however, is not a product of our intelligence, our talent, our looks, our worldly goods, how much we have accomplished. Rather it is an immeasurable and unchanging manifestation of our eternal and infinite oneness with the universe.

It represents the cornerstone of the dual foundations of optimism and self-belief.

Our worth can neither be taken from us nor damaged by life’s rigors, yet it can easily be forgotten or actively ignored.

By regularly acknowledging our self-worth, we can ensure that we never forget what an important, beloved, and special part of the universe we are. We are born worthy.

Our worth is intertwined with our very existence. Therefore, our concept of our own self-worth is reinforced by our actions. Each time we endeavor to appreciate ourselves, we need to treat ourselves kindly.

We need to define our personal boundaries, be proactive in seeing that our needs are met, and broaden our horizons. It is then that we recognize our innate value.

During those periods when we lose sight of our worth, we will likely feel mired in depression, insecurity, and a lack of confidence. Often we will pursue a counterfeit worth based on judgment rather than the beauty that resides within us.

However, when we feel worthy, we accept ourselves without hesitation.

It is our worth as individuals that is simultaneously interconnected with all living beings that allows us to be happy, confident, and motivated.

Once we embrace the fact that our worth is not based upon the fulfillment of expectations, we can begin to see our mistakes and failures as just another part of life’s journey.

Human beings are very much like drops of water in an endless ocean.

Our worth comes from our role as distinct individuals as well as our role as an integral part of something larger than ourselves.

Simply awakening to this concept can help us to rediscover the copious and awe-inspiring worth within each and every one of us.

With love and light,

Rob

On a Clear Day, We Can See Forever.

I sometimes wonder if we want to see forever.

I've spent these past few weeks finalizing the details of my first book, working toward closing an important real estate deal, and drowning in worry about my own future as well as that of my household.

I emailed briefly with a friend who is at her beach house on Cape Cod and noted that, while the skies there were clear and the moon was bright, there was quite a bit of rain here in Mount Pocono.

I replied that we had some heavy rain and uproarious thunder, but that subsided and the tree frogs were singing away in promise of a beautiful day ahead and a fine summer morning.

Moments later the rain began to pour down again.

Life is often like this.

When we refer to a "beautiful day," we are often describing a day that is sunny, clear, and without a cloud in sight to mar a sky that is brilliant, bright, clear, and blue.

We find ourselves bouncing along, light in spirit, free from worries, and enjoying the moment. That is, until the clouds begin to form.

The sky may turn grey, or a fog may roll in. Puffs of white take on whimsical, darker shades, and our beautiful day disappears along with the sunshine ... or so it seems.

In the same way, we may be enjoying a beautiful day in life until some bad news rolls our way, or until a distressing realization crosses our path.

A clear blue sky often inspires in us good cheer, bringing on a lighter, more carefree day, allowing our troubles and worries to lay by the wayside while we enjoy our moment in nature's glory as we find ourselves spending time outdoors, breathing in the fresh air, and basking in the warmth of the sun.

However, once our clouds appear, be they in our skies or in our minds, their shadows may lead us to allow them to decrease our energy and enthusiasm, pulling us into our own cloudy funk.

We all have difficult and trying times in our lives, and sometimes our future seems bleak and dark.

However, the reality is that darker days are just as much a part of life as are the days graced with sunshine. They show us a different perspective of our world, while helping us appreciate the moments of illumination that inevitably follow. Therefore we should never allow our dark and gloomy thoughts, or whatever lies in wait for us, to rob us of the moment we have.

A rainy day with clouds helps to clear the air and washes away stagnation.

Still, it's hard not to feel gloomy or think that the day has been ruined when there are clouds hanging over us.

However, when we acknowledge that these shades of grey won't last forever, and that hidden behind the clouds is the blue sky, we realize that the beauty of our life is merely playing a game of hide and go seek with us.

In the same manner that the trials and tribulations which occasionally block the brilliance that is our own lives from shining through, clouds eventually clear away so we can open up to a brighter horizon.

So, the next time we wake to a cloudy day or have our sunny day turn dark, we need to remember that these shades of grey in life are there just for the moment and that the sun burns them away. Our own light burns these away as well.

No matter how hard the rain falls or how dense and damp the fog is, it will all soon go away, the sun will break through, and we will be able to see the sky that has always and forever will be a beautiful and brilliant blue.

Interestingly enough, as I completed this the rain has ceased and the tree frogs have resumed their love song.

Fascinating.

With love & blues skies of light,

Rob

The State of Panic & Worry

Worry is an extension of fear and can also set us up for attracting situations which we do not want in our lives.

We have all had the experience of worrying about something at some point in our lives.

Some of us have a habitual tendency to worry, and most of us have known someone who is a chronic worrier.

Worry is an extension of fear and can be a very draining experience.

In order for worry to exist, we have to believe that something bad might happen.

That translates to a lack of faith.

Typically, what we worry about is something that has not yet occurred, and we focus our energy upon that rather than focusing on the positivity which lives within us.

Therefore, what we worry about is simply, in effect and by definition, a useless fantasy which deteriorates our future.

However, it is a fear which we can conquer.

Once we embrace this reality, we can understand that worry is in and of itself a self-created state of needless fear and panic.

Still, most of us do worry, and that is not entirely without merit.

One reason we worry is because we feel as though we are not in control of our life or the situations we find ourselves in.

For example, we might worry about a loved one travelling in bad weather. There is nothing we can do to guarantee their safe passage, but we worry until we know they have reached their destination unharmed.

This travel could be a road trip home or a journey through life with illness.

In such an instance, our worry is an attempt to feel useful and in control.

In a case like this, worrying does nothing to ensure a positive outcome and it has an unpleasant effect on our body, mind, and spirit.

However, there is a positive spin to place on this.

We can transform this kind of worry so that it has a healing effect.

Just as worry uses the imagination, so does the antidote use the worry.

When we find ourselves in such a state of panic or worry, we need to envision the best possible outcome rather than the worst outcome.

We can prayerfully envision our loved ones’ path in life bathed in white light and clearly see in our mind’s eye their safe arrival.

We can envision angels or guides watching over them as they make their way to their destination.

We can generate positive energy, peace, and well-being inside of ourselves and send that peaceful faith into our universe rather than nervousness and unease.

Once we acknowledge that we are worried and that taking positive action is the best solution, we can confront the situation at hand within our power to change it, we no longer have any reason to worry.

With love, light, and peace-filled relaxation,

Rob

Marriage Equality

New York has just passed their Marriage Equality Act.

I'm not certain exactly what the terms are or the title is, but I do believe that it is important that we continue with the term "Marriage Equality" and not "Gay Marriage", and that we do not cease until the Federal Government enacts this into law just as we did for interracial marriages in 1967.

However, the intention of this blog and my writings is not to be political, but rather to be reflective and prayerful.

I have many friends in New York who have expressed their desire to marry.

I'm thankful, and tearful, that they have this opportunity to stand before God.

I'm sad for my friends in other states where this is not recognized, but to those I remind you ... God sees you, recognizes you, and loves you deeply, so those of us who are in committed relationships are in the same position as those of us who can marry.

Relationships and marriage requires a lot of commitment and a lot of work.

Throughout the course of a successful marriage or long-term commitment, the two people in the relationship may shift in and out of various roles.

For example, one person within the couple may need to support the other person going back to school, shifting careers, or enduring a hardship, be it physical, emotional, or financial.

In order to do this, he or she steps into a supporting role, setting aside certain goals or aspirations in order to provide a stable base from which his or her partner can launch in a new direction.

There are many gifts of learning inherent in this role—from having the opportunity to embody a nurturing stance to feeling the pleasure of seeing a loved one thrive.

When our partner expands his or her horizons, our vision also expands and we become enlightened with a view to a world that would otherwise would remain obscured from our vision.

However, there is a possibility that we may be the one stepping outside our own parameters; perhaps taking time to attend to our personal healing, spiritual pursuits, or other interests or needs.

In order to maintain balance within our relationships, it’s important that we address these issues each time one person steps into a supporting role so the other can try something new.

When we are conscious and acknowledge that one person is bearing a bit more of a burden so that the other can grow, we stand a better chance of making sure the ebb and flow in the relationship remains fair and equal.

The most important part of this process is open communication in which each of us has the opportunity to share our feelings and express our concerns as we come to understand and embrace the roles that which we know and agree to live in order for our relationship -- our Marriage -- to begin and grow.

Marriages require work.

Work means change.

Each time a dynamic shift occurs, a ceremony of acknowledgment can lend an air of distinction to the moment, and these are the times that we need to sit with our partner to celebrate or resolve.

This can be a simple dinner date or an elaborate ritual, depending upon what works best for us at the time.

The key here is intimacy and communication.

Perhaps the most important thing is expressing gratitude to the person in our supporting role and encouragement to him or her moving in a new direction along with us.

It is important that we understand that we are not alone, but also that our spouse understands fully that he or she is not alone and that we stand before God in that promise.

This is what Marriage Equality is all about, so get ready Guys & Dolls.

When the flow of emotion and communication is open, we invite a garden of growth in which each of us provides the air and opportunity for the other to embrace the absolute and truly unconditional love we offer.

We are all feeling a sense of joy and celebration, however, with this accomplishment comes a great responsibility which we must uphold.

Those of us who choose to marry must understand the laws, implications, and responsibilities of such a statement.

We need to stand tall in affirmation and faith, and commit to a lifetime together with our partners.

We need to show the world a new path; a path of celebrating every day; living life to the fullest, building familiesand raising children who see the world without bigotry, hatred or malice.

Most importantly, we have the opportunity to show the world in which we live that we have the Unconditional Love of God within us and that we are worthy and capable of sharing this with the world today as well as instituting it in our children for the future of Creation

With love, light & pride,

Rob